Thursday, December 13, 2012

Imaginary audience

Daycare drop offs can be one of the worst things in the whole entire world. Not really. But something about motherhood makes me feel that imaginary audience thing (that is generally associated with middle school) all over again. I feel like people are watching and judging everything I do. And my every mistake looks a million times bigger than it really was. And like I would tell a middle schooler who thought that, I try to tell myself that nobody cares that much about my life. Everybody else is too worried about their own lives to judge mine. But part of me still isn't buying that last bit (it seems like the more worried you are about something, the more likely you are to judge others in that same area). But every morning at drop offs, I feel like everything is a struggle and nobody can accuse me of making anything look easy: trying/failing to put the girls coats on for the quick walk from the car because they shouldn't wear them while strapped in a car seat, finding shoes and wrangling them back on because Maggie can take them off, “MYSELF!” and then Hannah joins in because, why not? (Seriously, why do I even dress them in the morning?!) And then Hannah will scream at me to zip her coat, and then Maggie will face plant while trying to race Hannah to school, and then I will be less than patient with them, and on and on. And every single one of these interactions make me feel like another point is being added to the “failure” side of the motherhood scoreboard that follows me around. I’m hoping this is just a byproduct if the crazy amount of change that parenting brings about (as in puberty, the other time you are likely to feel so stupidly paranoid and self conscious) and that as I adjust, it will go away on its own. And soon. But in the mean time, I should work on banishing that stupid score board in my head.


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