Positive goals, parent-child interaction therapy, and limiting television

I found a way to use all the previously NSFBlog pictures

I mentioned last week that I wanted to prioritize play time and incorporate the PRIDE skills. I was particularly interested in the tips for things to avoid during focused play time (commands, questions, and criticism). I wanted to give an update on my efforts.
Basically, it was nothing short of amazing. I'd mentioned before that positive goals are more effective that negative ones (e.g., I will start drinking more water, instead of I will stop drinking soda). This totally proved that point. Every time a study comes out about the negative impacts of media on children, I'd get that crushing sense of mommy guilt. Like I need to be one of those moms who never turns on the TV. But when I'd try to come up with a plan, I was always fairly certain it was a stupid/useless one. And then this came along, and YOU GUYS, we pretty much stopped watching TV without even trying.
The advice to not gives commands or questions was especially intriguing to me. It was never on my radar to limit those, as that is predominantly what comes out of my mouth as a mom. And I definitely tripped up a couple times and immediately noticed how it impacted the girls. It was like I could see it their little eyes, the dynamic of our play time changed immediately and for the worse.
Obviously, the PRIDE therapy skills aren't meant to be a full-time parenting plan. As a parent, asking and telling is totally on the table, important, and necessary at times. But by becoming more aware of how they impact the girls, I decided to be a lot more intentional and thoughtful about using them.
Questions can be overwhelming; and questions, just like commands, shift the power away from the kids (which is sometimes, but not always, necessary/important). That was surprising to me because I was used to offering choices to empower the girls (would you rather wear the pink dress or the green one? versus I decide the dress for you). But I think it is important to recognize that a kid who isn't in a good place (emotionally) can be pushed over the edge by even simple questions like this. (which I get, as that is how I felt as my wedding approached and I was so sick of making decisions. I was like, I don't care what flowers we put on the entry table. I don't care what color the drink napkins are. I don't care about anything anymore! make it stop!)
I started incorporating this advice into other parenting endeavors. For example, connect before you correct, I've tried to take any questions or commands out of these efforts. Now I'll say something like:
You must be feeling really [emotion] to [do this annoying thing]. I bet [better alternative thing] would be a better idea/would help/etc. (e.g., You must be feeling really angry to hit your sister, I bet using your words would be a better idea. You must be really full of energy to be jumping on the couches. Maybe we could go play outside/in the play room instead, where we have things that are made to jump on!) As a side note: the bigger the emotion, the bigger the pause (and maybe even the hug) between the two sentences should be as your child will need more time to process the info.
So in conclusion: YAY! So glad I found this! 

Honoring the struggle: Guest post from Jamie

Part of on ongoing series honoring the struggles we go through surrounding faith and belief. (If you'd like to write a guest post too, let me know!) Today's post is from my incredible friend Jamie whose thoughtful insights I've relied upon a lot in my own journey.   Hi, I’m Jamie from the woefully neglected Simply Jamie. I am a librarian, mom to a nerd-in-training, wife, and an atheist/secular humanist.    How would you describe your religious upbringing?   We were “Casual Christians.” My mom was raised Catholic and my dad wasn't raised in church. We talked a lot about joining a church, but my dad was never keen on the idea. He was distrustful of organized religion. In high school I shopped different branches of Christianity (Baptist, Methodist, Church of Christ, Catholic). I stayed with the Baptist church the longest. They had a really active youth group and a really charismatic youth leader.   What did you like about it?   It was safe thinking that someone was looking out for me. It was nice to think that I would have an eternal life where I would see the people I loved for all eternity. It was also really comforting to think that I had a destiny, that there was a divine plan for me.    What did you dislike about it?

I remember never being satisfied with the answers given to me. I've always been a bit annoying with my endless questioning of everything. I wondered why God couldn't speak directly to people and I was told that when he tried, people couldn't handle it. That tripped me up. So God is perfect, but designed us imperfectly? There was always a lot of, “He works in mysterious ways.” It never satisfied me. That’s just the tip of the iceberg though. I always had questions about evolution and the way that women were treated throughout the bible. Also, why would God, with his omnipotence, create Eve knowing fully that she would eat that apple? Totally set her up for failure. Seems like a jerk move. 

I could go on and on and on.

What would you consider the low point/turning point in your faith/religious beliefs?  

Whew, this is a tough one to answer. I have tried quite a few times and never really found the words, so I’ll try and stumble through it again. I am going to need to delve a bit into a backstory.

When I was 23, I found out I was pregnant with my first child. Everything was totally normal. I was puking and miserable and totally elated. During a routine ultrasound in my 13th week, problems were discovered. After quickly agreeing to a chorionic villus sampling (think early amniocentesis), it was discovered that our daughter had a devastating and often fatal genetic problem called Trisomy 13. 
So now I was forced with a decision that no parent should have to make, and I had a whopping 23 years of experience to make it with. To say that I agonized would not be dramatic. To continue with my pregnancy would be awful, to terminate my pregnancy would be the same. I was at a stalemate. In the end, I chose to just do nothing. I let nature/God do what it would do.    From early August when I got that terrible news, to late January when my daughter was born, I prayed for one thing. One. I wanted my daughter to be alive when she was born. I just wanted to meet her, see her eyes, look into them and tell her how much she was loved. Tell her if she had to go that it was ok. But I just wanted to meet her.    I’m sure you can guess where this is going. She died just minutes before she was born. I never held her while she was alive.   People are the worst when you are grieving a lost child. I got “God needed another angel” a lot. Seriously, he had to take my kid for that? God in his infinite wisdom couldn't see how painful this was and spare me by creating an angel that didn't involve killing my child?    The final turning point for me was when one of my well-meaning friends told me to read Job. I had read Job, but I cracked it open again searching for something. Instead of seeing a beautiful story of faith, I saw the story of a petty god. Seriously, have you read this? Satan’s all like, “Hey, bet you this guy will forsake you if he didn't have all that nice stuff.” God’s like, “No way, dude. He’s totally loyal. I bet you can mess with his head and he’ll still worship me.”  Satan, “Yeah? I doubt it.” God, “Fine, do your worst!”   I took some paraphrasing liberties there for brevity, but the story is the same. God let Satan completely destroy a man’s life to prove a point. Totally nice guy, right? That’s where I lost it. I had been doubting for a while, but this was just the tipping point. How could an all-knowing and loving God act like that? It seemed more and more that the bible was a bunch of man-made stories.    How would you describe your religion/faith now?
When I first stopped believing it was really scary. I was scared to have that much control, I was scared to tell my family, I spent a while just feeling scared. That slowly evolved into feeling free and the world just started making more sense. I felt more connected to those around me than ever before.    I don’t have a religion anymore, but I have lots of faith. I have faith in humanity and the good in people regardless of their beliefs. I have faith in the intelligence of mankind and strongly believe that we will one day grow beyond our warmongering and hateful ways and really find peace. 

Happy Father's Day

To the cutest dad ever. We are pretty lucky to have you. So I guess I will forgive your genetic contribution for annihilating mine. 

Where I manage to make everything about religion and toddlers

This weekend I read an amazing article about a high school in Washington that is piloting a new discipline strategy  (Lincoln High School in Walla Walla, WA, tries new approach to school discipline — suspensions drop 85%). Reading the article was almost a little emotional for me because it was just really powerful (especially because I've taught kids who dealt with similar issues as the kids in the article).

A student blows up at a teacher, drops the F-bomb. The usual approach at Lincoln – and, safe to say, at most high schools in this country – is automatic suspension. Instead, Sporleder sits the kid down and says quietly: 

“Wow. Are you OK? This doesn't sound like you. What’s going on?” He gets even more specific: “You really looked stressed. On a scale of 1-10, where are you with your anger?”

OH EM GEE, you guys. This is like straight out of my favorite parenting guidance (connect before you correct, solution-focused instead of punishment-directed interventions). You aren't letting them off the hook, although people who prefer "spare the rod" style "lesson" probably disagree.

“The kid still got a consequence,” explains Sporleder – but he wasn't sent home, a place where there wasn't anyone who cares much about what he does or doesn't do. He went to ISS — in-school suspension, a quiet, comforting room where he can talk about anything with the attending teacher, catch up on his homework, or just sit and think about how maybe he could do things differently next time.

Because research has shown time and time again, punishment isn't an effective, long-term solution. And yet, we as a society cling to it desperately and somewhat arrogantly. This article addresses a lot of the adverse outcomes associated with traditional school punishment systems and talks about how they are particularly harmful for kids who are dealing with "toxic" stress from their home life. Instead of compounding the emotional turmoil these kids are in, the school seeks to help them deal with that stress first and foremost. There are still consequences, but they occur as a part of a plan to build relationships, coping skills, and behavior management. And it sounds awesome.

It totally reminds me of toddlers who are overwhelmed with some of the demands they face on a daily basis, with their limited cognitive capacities. You could hit that kid and make that stress exponentially worse while simultaneously modeling violence. Or you could model calm, peaceful behavior while helping them manage their emotions and learn more appropriate responses to stress. You know. Either one.

When (to me) the choice seems obvious, why is it not more intuitive or culturally accepted to take this approach? Personally, I'd like to blame the Bible. (because that is what I do here lately.) Although, you could argue the Bible is a cultural byproduct and didn't necessarily invent over the top punishment (everything from hell, to killing babies). But it certainly has done more than its fair share of perpetuating its use (case in point: To Train up a Child).

What if we took the more WWJD approach and focused on building relationships, teaching, and offering a bit grace? And what if our school and criminal justice system followed suit? Yeah. What if.

A new series: honoring the struggle

Frederick Douglass said, "If there is no struggle, there is no progress." I like to think that is absolutely true when it comes to creating your own personal value system. I think that the struggle should be celebrated, not ignored or feared. And to that end, I'm going to start honoring the struggles around belief. Starting with my own. I'm going to start a new series where I'll invite people to share their own struggles with faith/religion. I want to hear from people with a variety of different start points and end points. So if you're interested, let me know!!

[dude, you gotta watch this video]
How would you describe your religious upbringing? I was raised Southern Baptist. We were no drinking, no dancing (allegedly, I never saw this enforced), fundamentalists. So we take the Bible literally and word for word. Even though we don't stone adulterers or kids who curse their parents, a distinction I felt was never satisfactorily explained.
What did you like about it? The community. People always were looking out for each other, baking meals and going to funerals of people they might not have ever met, just to support one another. And I think the rules and the certainty that fundamentalist religions offer are sort of comforting (you know, until they aren't).
What did you dislike about it? The stance on women, homosexuality, and hell. My youth group was pretty much obsessed with hell, who was going there, and why (and also when, via the rapture. Which is any day now, obviously). I could never really get a satisfying answer about God sending people to hell, in spite of him being love and all. The oft-used phrase, "because God is holy and just and full of mercy" started to sound like code for, he's a big jerk. This God seemed like he was either all powerful or all loving, but not both.
What would you consider the low point/turning point in your faith/religious beliefs? When Cork got really sick and we didn't know if he was going to get better, I went into the cliched atheist in the fox hole mode. I wouldn't consider myself an atheist, and I still can't quite consider myself one. But I had been so ambivalent about God (I had strong negative feelings about Him based on the teachings of my church, my youth group, and my few visits to Duke's campus crusade team; but strong positive feelings about a hypothetical God who actually was loving) that I could hardly even force myself to think/care about God or religion. But the thought of losing Cork forever made the Mormon notion of heaven and families being eternal sound perfect. I started reading up on Mormonism. And really liked a lot about it. But some of the stuff (think Southpark does Mormonism) just seemed nutso (no offense, Mormons). But then I was like, well, it's no more nutso than the stuff in the Bible (which a fundamentalist takes literally). The only difference is, the Bible has thousands of years to soften the crazy edges. Mormons just have a couple hundred years. So it seemed pretty hypocritical of me to think Mormons were any more nuts than I was. Then I was like, well shoot. Maybe we are both nuts? Maybe this whole religion thing is a crazy sham we invented to make ourselves feel better about death? Maybe I can just finally drop all this cognitive dissonance I've been carrying around about God being loving and sending people to hell, and I could drop all of the bizzarro beliefs requirements (virgin birth, human sacrifice, talking/flaming bushes, etc.). It felt simultaneously liberating and crushing. Not to mention isolating. It's not a topic that many people are eager to discuss. For the vast majority of people who have stood on the ledge of serious doubt, the view seems to be either something they have been intentionally avoiding, or something they've talked themselves down from with what I considered regurgitated platitudes that were in no way new or compelling to me.
How would you describe your religion/faith now? I'm not gonna lie, I've lost a lot of (but I guess not quite all) faith in Christianity (not to mention Christians). I'm in a pretty undecided place. I've definitely lost all interest in Hell. I could see it existing as a place for people who straight up choose it (and no, not "choose" it by sinning and failing to ask for God's forgiveness while professing a belief in Jesus's death on the cross as a proxy sacrifice). I still pray, maybe just out of habit. But I think maybe out of a sincere belief that there is something greater out there who gives a sh*t. I just don't like the idea of God being an abusive, helicopter parent like my childhood faith made him out to be (doling out punishments of death and torture, and obsessing over your every, stupid move). I'd much prefer a  peaceful, free-range parent of a God. So I think when I finally overcome my religious apathy and inertia about  finding a religious "home" that aligns a little more closely with my values, I'll probably hit up a Unitarian Universalist church. But until then, I'm sort of an undecided/agnostic/universalist. I'm definitely interested in religion, I spend a lot of time reading and writing about it, and expect my views to continue to evolve. (I even found some semi-comforting ideas about death, that I like a lot more than the eternal church camp I'd been imagining.)
if you'd like to write a guest post on the topic, you can email me at laurabeth57 [at] gmail [dot] com

Playing with your kids

This week I'm going to prioritize play time with my kids. Generally, I'm sort of ambivalent about it. I think it is important but (no offense, kids) it's not my favorite. I don't even feel bad admitting that, because empirically, I'm not alone.

...a 2004 study by Daniel Kahneman, a Nobel Prize-winning behavioral economist, who surveyed 909 working Texas women and found that child care ranked sixteenth in pleasurability out of nineteen activities. (Among the endeavors they preferred: preparing food, watching TV, exercising, talking on the phone, napping, shopping, housework.) (All Joy and No Fun Why parents hate parenting.)

{related: Less happy is the new more happy, A lesson in happiness, and to counter the above study, here's another one to make you feel better about the kids you already have Parents Are Happier People: Parents Experience Greater Happiness and Meaning in Life Than Nonparents, Psychologists Find}

Playing with kids is just plain hard. And even when it's sort of fun, like when I'm starting to get into the book I'm reading to the girls or the dolls I'm dressing, something always seems to immediately mess that up. Maggie wants to skip the next seven pages, or start a new book. Or Hannah wants my doll back (but I'm not finished dressing her!). And I'm just too obsessive/compulsive to play Legos with the girls, I mean, come on! the yellow Legos clearly go on that side! SEE! And don't even get me started on coloring books. (I'm mostly joking)

My point is, having quality one-on-one time is hard. But not having it makes me feel guilty. Talk about lose/lose.

But there's good news! (I learned about it here) It's called PRIDE parenting. It helps you get more bang for your buck out of one-on-one time. It sounds a lot like the If I Have to Tell You One More Time's advice on the topic, but with some added guidance I really liked.

PRIDE skills:Here is how you use the

Set up a play table.

Tell the child that this is “our special play time” and he/she may play with any of the toys on the table.

Next, apply the PRIDE skills to the play time.

When 5 minutes (or more if you want, but remember 5 minutes is enough) is over, tell your child that “special playtime is over, but you will play again tomorrow.” Then give a choice of how many toys to pick up. Be sure to not get into a power struggle over clean up.

The Don’ts are:

No Questions

No Commands

No Criticism.

Be Careful - questions and commands put you as dominate this is a time that the child leads the play.

Here's some more info on PRIDE skills.

Friday photo/link dump

Part of an ongoing series.

Politics
White Lady Heckles Michelle Obama — What Happens Next is Something Black Women Know All Too Well Speaking of women not being allowed to stand up for themselves. Compound gender with race, and OMG, JUST STOP IT, PEOPLE. Seriously.

When interviewed after being escorted out of the fundraiser, Sturtz said of the First Lady, “She came right down in my face. I was taken aback.” Interesting. Sturtz assumed that because the First Lady is supposed to be the embodiment of grace and cool, that she should stand at her lectern and silently endure what she felt was blatant disrespect. Instead, Michelle Obama decided that she had had enough and instead of shouting from across the room, spoke to Sturtz face-to-face and demanded respect. I can’t help but think that if Hillary Clinton or Laura Bush had done the same, that we would all be nodding our heads in support of the First Lady defining how she wishes to be treated.

Representatives knock Sen. Saxby Chambliss' comments on sexual assault Rape culture, what?

Chambliss, R-Georgia, said: "Gee whiz -- the hormone level created by nature sets in place the possibility for these types of things to occur." 

Republican Rep. Mike Turner, co-chairman of the military sexual assault prevention caucus, issued a statement saying criminals, not hormones, cause sexual assaults.

Cabbage Patch doll on a lease.
(I swear we only used that toddler leash, like, once and it was a long time ago.)

  

BTW, what the heck is wrong with Texas?! Jury Acquits Texas Man Who Shot and Killed Craigslist Escort Who Wouldn't Have Sex With Him She was paralyzed and then died seven months later and a jury said it's no big deal because, that's how we roll in Texas?

The Texas law that allows people to use deadly force to recover property during a nighttime theft...

Out of Prison, Winfrey Struggles Despite Acquittal They took her from her one-year-old baby because of lazy forensics, kept her in prison for almost seven years, then were just like, j/k. And let her go without any compensation, "sorry, my bad," or anything. I couldn't even finish it, it made me so upset.

“I really thought I was going to go into the courthouse and tell the judge that I didn't do this,” she said. “I really thought I was fixin’ to go home that day.” But Winfrey was taken to jail, where she said she would curl up each night on her metal bunk, clinging to a T-shirt stuffed with clothes, trying to replicate the sensation of holding her baby.

this is Junebug as a puppy. I'm not gonan lie,
I just didn't take a lot of pictures this week. It happens sometimes.

Religion
Christians & Masturbation: Seven Perspectives You guys. This happened. By popular demand. In other words, because people (not just any people, but people who are reading a smart and interesting blog) are like REALLY needing to know, "Is it okay with Jesus if I touch my private parts?" Here's a better question: "Is it a little weird if someone can't make a single, stupid decision on their own?!" Not to mention the brilliant point made by @mslooola: 

The responses were interesting. I hesitate to even quote them though, as I worry that it could appear that I'm endorsing a position and therefore implying that the baby Jesus has any sort of vested interest in this sort of thing.
The One Where I Get Into Grad School, Part I For those of you who aren't familiar with Emily Maynard (not the Bachelorette), the grad school she got into is seminary. So, if you are worried about the precarious place of my soul (as I most identify with this piece of part of her journey), here's some hope.

I couldn't do it anymore. It was time to say the truth aloud: “God, if you are who I've been told, and if you really act the way I thought you acted, I can obey, sure,” I thought. “But I can never, ever, love you. If you’re different that everything I've been taught about you, prove it. If not, I’m done.” ...It was a very matter of fact statement for someone whose soul now apparently sat in a precarious place, but I was so exhausted by years of cognitive dissonance that I didn't really care. When you are giving up your belief, the faith of your childhood and your family, blasphemy is kind of the whole point. 

Hannah when she was about Maggie's age.
Gives me hope Maggie's hair will grow too.

Parenting

Working Harder Isn't The Answer; It's The Problem Interesting article about the 24-7 expectations created by technology and corporate culture.

Working mothers are not the problem nor are working fathers.  The problem in our corporate culture.

If you've lived a life where holidays are a nuisance, where you've missed your favorite uncle’s funeral and your children’s childhoods, in a culture that conflates manly heroism with long hours, it’s going to take more than a few regressions to convince you it wasn't really necessary, after all, for your work to devour you. -Joan C. Williams, Professor of Law and Founding Director of the Center of WorkLife Law at the University of California, Hastings College of Law

Also, here is a bunch of confusing and seemingly conflicting stuff I ready about breastfeeding this week. I think the take home message is: if you can make it work, high five! if not: no big deal.

MRI Study: Breastfeeding Boosts Babies' Brain Growth

The study made use of specialized, baby-friendly magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) to look at the brain growth in a sample of children under the age of 4. The research found that by age 2, babies who had been breastfed exclusively for at least three months had enhanced development in key parts of the brain compared to children who were fed formula exclusively or who were fed a combination of formula and breastmilk. The extra growth was most pronounced in parts of the brain associated with language, emotional function, and cognition, the research showed.

Formula-Feeding Linked to Metabolic Stress and Increased Risk of Later Disease

Evidence from research suggests that infants fed formula, rather than breast milk, experience metabolic stress that could play a part in the long-recognized link between formula-feeding and an increased risk of obesity, type 2 diabetes and other conditions in adult life.

World Health Organization: no long term benefits to breastfeeding

In industrialized societies, the benefits of breastfeeding are small and short term. That’s why there is no reason for any mother who chooses bottlefeeding to feel guilty. Breast milk is not “liquid gold.” It’s just milk and confers a few small, short term benefits across populations compared to infant formula.

this was from our last trip to Sea World.
I think it is time to go back!!